Jokes Con't
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
*Acid
*Marijuana
*Black Russians
*Prosaic
*Sleeping Pills
How to avoid shark attacks:
* Never Leave Kansas
* Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
* Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
* Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
You can spot divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Watch
* Says "Huh" alot
* Bad shocks and springs in car
* Scars from trigger fish bites
* Expertise on anti-histamines
You can spot old time divers by:
* Funny Tan Lines
* Big Expensive Watch
* Old Jeep with bad shocks
* Log Book has volume number on cover
* Deaf in at least one ear
* Has multiple scars.
* Has cylinders older than you are
* Talks about making their first wet suit
* Dive gear is faded
* Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis
You can spot newbie divers by:
* Sunburned
* Timex Watch
* Nice car
* Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
* No diving related scars
* Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
* Equipment looks nice
* Perfect hearing
THE SCUBA ACCIDENT
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
NEW Warning Labels for Smoking?
In the news recently there have been several reports of new warning labels and even more graphic advertising campaigns to replace those currently in use on cigarette packets. Apparently, many people still don't understand that smoking kills, causes heart disease, harms others, is bad for your baby etc.
I think most of us divers at least understand these commonly known problems, and we are also aware of the fact that mixing smoking and diving is not a good idea. Besides the obvious one of cigarettes getting soggy when you go diving, and trying unsuccessfully to find dry matches underwater, there is also those problems of poor circulation, oxygen transfer, carbon monoxide etc.
So, assuming most other people do in fact understand smoking is really bad for you and some still choose to smoke, why replace the warning labels with new ones? What we suggest is the introduction of warning labels on alcohol instead, to warn of the dangers of over consumption.
Here are a few suggestions…..
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.
Male or Female
A diving instructor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her."He often wondered what gender computers, especially dive computers, should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of dive students who were also computer experts. The first was comprised solely of women, and the second of men.Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Are You Satisfied?
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. The American tourist standing nearby complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I'd like to give you some advice. I'm a manager with GE, have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! If you start fishing longer every day, you can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting,"answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"
What are you doing here?
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Wrecked
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean- there's a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine, until the boat springs a leak, and starts to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay... we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay... for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!" ('borrowed' from the newsgroup: rec.humor)
Stranded
This man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?"
And the man cries out, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
3 Wishes
Near a lake used by scuba divers was a bar, and a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the barman was a talkative fellow - he naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
"He's fantastic!" said the barman, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.
"When I put him down - and you're not going to believe this bit," the man said, "- the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish.
"Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish - and that was how I got a 10" pianist!"
Then there's the one about the miserly diver who bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save fill charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000 pounds from his tank. Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand his widow in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace. ('borrowed' from the newsgroup: rec.humor)
~ A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands up - a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles - already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron this!"
Two divers were checking a new reef when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair of super-power fins. His buddy signaled: What? You can't outswim a shark! The diver signaled back: I don't have to outswim the shark - I only have to outswim you!
~ Two divers go spear-fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish." The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." "You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?" ('borrowed' from Jokes for Inspiration and Elevation, and modified.)
~ There are many countries in the world where a bidet is not a common item in most bathrooms. A diver from one such country went on a foreign diving trip to a country that has bidets in most bathrooms. The hotel, of course, had them, also. After checking out his room, the guest called the front desk: "What is that extra little bathtub thing for?" he asked, "For washing babies in?" The concierge answered, "No, Sir," he said. "It's for washing babies out! "
Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, drysuit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.)
During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.
It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, "That is really nice - after all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names."
Bill looked round quickly and whispered, "To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago."
~ Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a diveboat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him for him to hold onto?
An anvil!
~What do you call 5,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Liveaboard diving will get you to remote reefs where few day-boats go. But, then, you're further away from shore if the boat sinks!
That happened! When his liveaboard sank, a lone diver struggled to shore on an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place, " she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.
As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"
Three dive buddies were driving to a dive site and stopped at a motel for the night. The room rate was $30, so they each paid $10 and went up to the room. While getting some ice, one of the buddies met the person from the next room and found out that he had paid only $25. When he told his buddies, they decided to call the manager to find out why they had paid $30. The manager admitted the mistake and gave the bellhop $5 to give back to the divers. The bellhop said to himself: How can I split $5 between 3 guys? I will give each of them $1 and keep $2 for myself! Which he did. So now the divers had paid $9 each ($10 less $1 they got back). 3 x $9 = $27. Plus $2 the bellhop kept = $29. What happened to the other dollar? ~ A man was coming home from market. He had purchased a cat, a bird and a bag of seeds. He came to a river which he had to cross. Being a diver, he had his fins, mask and snorkel with him but he could only carry one of his possessions at a time. Now, he couldn't leave the cat with the bird because the cat would eat the bird; and he couldn't leave the bird with the bag of seeds because the bird would eat the seeds. How did he get across the river?
Four divers realized the lagoon was wider and deeper than anticipated, and that their entry point was on the opposite shore. However, they saw two children rowing about in a small boat. It was so small, though, that it would only carry the two children, or one diver and his equipment.
How did the four divers get across the lagoon and leave the two children finally in joint possession of their boat? And how many times did the boat have to pass from shore to shore?